Just one day and things have changed ahaha. I think M would understand just how quickly life can move over here.
I’m officially coxing W2 now :D :’) I feel like its half me wanting it and half actually getting kicked out ahaha. I’m happy for them though. They’re too high level for a novice cox to contribute any meaningful commentary to (I actually spend more time in the boat learning from the stroke than the other way round…)- and it is quite a waste, because as a cox you get a different angle from the coach. Proper feedback from BOTH the cox and the coach can potentially really kick the skill level of the boat up a notch… and I just don’t have the experience/ skill/ anger (LOL) to do that right now. “BE ANGRY!” was literally what G wrote on the very first page of her coxing book (and she’s at blue cox level now woah) so I probably should too but ahh it’s just not my style, I don’t think? :/ almost feels like house capt shizz all over again.
Such mixed feelings about it right now. I’m kinda happy… it’s quite a relief and probably a blessing (in disguise)- hoping to finally get to do ergs with the girls, post-outing hangouts, a spot of frisbee, get certified to use the astronomy telescopes etc etc. I feel like I might have so much more free time already though it’s probably not true the moment pres duties kick in ahaha… on the other hand, the ambitious-competitive-striving-hopeful part of me (which I barely acknowledged I had!) feels a bit down? I’m not devastated, no, ahaha but it’s almost this sense of…loss. I’ve always been told, in such a typical Asian fashion, that it’s “better” to be slightly out of your league because then you can improve massively. Well, it’s true; I did come a long way. But more than that which I really don’t mind, it’s all the early mornings, the ups-and-downs, the times when everything was shit and I felt like hiding and quitting, the exhilarating times when everything was working, when A told me I was first pick hahaha and I was suddenly overwhelmed with this sense of determination and pride and I actually teared up bloody embarrassingly in wasabi. And tonight, the relaxed crew meet, just chillin in the bar. Time is precious, it’s a part of yourself, and we’ve all given so much time to it, together.
But that’s fair ahaha. If I base it solely on time, heaven knows G deserves it 99x more. All those years, steadily building up your skills, and just when you’re at the peak – to have it all ripped away. It’s harsh. It must have been hell to stop and ohh my heart just shivers a little to think about what that must have felt like when I’ve only spent weeks and I’m feeling like this.
I don’t even understand myself sometimes. I have such strikingly different personalities around different people, in different situations- they’re so extreme too hahaha! Chatty loud and bantery to shy sheepish and reserved.
On a completely separate note, had such a fab night in yesterday (slept at 4am, had to draggg myself out of bed) for 9AMs. Secretly glad I didn’t go for the 4th years swap hahaha would have been intimidating as shitee. Caught up with M, shared so much, re-watched pitch perfect, jammed like nobody’s business. <3 Can’t wait for world pancake day tomorrow, 3 different bunch of mateys making pancakes!
Life’s good- the world is our oyster.