some people ask why i try so hard, why i even bother wanting to love like i do.
now i know why. it’s because everyone can impact another’s life for the better and our influence can be powerful beyond measure, if only we were willing to try (and live up to fiammetta! little fiery one in italian haha~)
a couple of weeks (a month?) ago i read my friend’s post and it was achingly confused and upset and angry– surprisingly so, coz she always seemed to be this cheerful lively pillar of support :) i won’t claim to know her that well but almost instinctively i reached for my phone and wrote out a message “hey, it doesn’t matter what others think, no one ever knows whether people are truly good or just out for self-gain… But as long as you yourself try, be the best person you can be, love with your heart and be kind…! Well, true friends will be attracted to you and you really needn’t worry :) <3” I hesitated for a second before sending this– how will she respond? was the foremost thought on my mind; because sending a message, a note, is as much about the receiver and her perception, as about the sender’s truly good intentions. (mmm, like a friendship/relationship, i guess!) but i had never sent her something like this before, so i just hit the button then. there was no reply but i didn’t mind because knowing that i tried, knowing that she read, knowing that maybe… she was smiling to herself and that was good enough for me. the next day during lesson she came up and slipped me this most adorable heartfelt note (because notes > texts to her haha) and omg omg i was stunned for a bit. someone i care about is happier, if only for a short while :) why not?
“i’m gonna keep trying, keep doing this. for everyone.” the thought flashed through my mind and i almost unconsciously clenched my fists for a second, determination temporarily inundating me.
But now that i’m more rational… ‘Keep Trying’ isn’t all that accurate. i remember just yesterday while on the sofa reading developmental-evolutionary bio my phone buzzed with a text. so started my conversation with tze en and somewhere along the way i asked about hope. and i hit this realisation that there’s a limit to your strength, too. the most important thing is the person. my friend could very well have angrily texted back, say– “nonsense, naive friend! if you’re good people will step all over you.” “true friends don’t exist anyway, why bother if it’s only a pretense. trust… Inanimate objects instead.” “stop giving me advice and pitying me, meh.” what could i have done? is anyone or anything to be blamed for Anger?
so maybe i’m just a girl with rose-and-youth tinted glasses holding on a little too hard to my ideals and principles and blundering softly around but i’m learning. learning how to strike a balance between everything and everyone and trusting all the same. :) :) :)
“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul— ” …Emily Dickinson
oh, check out the chaos theory!– hehe reading a book on it in a while. love how there’s a library so very near my house. libraries are one of my favourite places– the cool aircon, quiet rustling of pages, books stacked neatly and yet strewn casusally, people all around.